Musings of a Malfoy
by LittleRoma
Summary: Lucius thinks back on the seven years previously and his relationship to the Dark Lord


**Sorry folks, I had to get this out, I had the idea for it and knew I wouldn't be able to sit still unless I got it out! The idea came to me after reading shy-n-great's story Matchmaking the Past, know its not really similar but the idea came to me after reading. Don't worry I'm still working on Lost then Found, I just thought this would be interesting.**

As I sat there in the wreckage of my old school, observing the people running around me, I wondered. Was the Dark Lord really so powerful? Were mudbloods ahem Muggleborns really that useless, if one could help in the destruction of Lord Voldemort? If purebloods were really above everyone else, Muggleborns, blood traitors and Muggles, then how could a half blood have destroyed the Dark Lord? As I look back on the mistakes I have made in the past a few jump out at me more than others.

-o-o-o-o-

Seven years ago when my son started at Hogwarts, I thought it was terrible that a Malfoy should, excuse the expression, but that a Muggleborn should wipe the floor with my son, a Malfoy no less in every test. You have to consider that to a Malfoy, one in such an important position as myself, you develop a sort of superiority complex after a while, how could my son show me up in such a way? Unfortunately I may have lashed out at my son, possibly physically, however compared to how my father used to treat me, I was quite gentle on the boy. I will never understand what possessed to act that way. I still don't know if I will ever forgive myself for introducing him to that word.

I promised myself at the Dark Lord's first fall 17 years that I would get over all the silly matters of blood purity. Surely, if you think about it a Muggleborns blood is purer than a so called 'Pure Blood', if you think about it, I married my cousin Narcissa, I love Narcissa but on some level are we committing incest by marrying and having 'relations'? That must make Draco quite unstable on a few levels, mentally unbalanced at any rate. I don't actually he is physically deemed a freak, not since we got that unslightly hump removed when he was one. In fact, at the risk of sounding like a strange perv, he is probably considered quite the prize for the ladies, great now I sound like I'm perving on my only son.

-o-o-o-o-

Six years ago, I had almost fallen back into the ways of old, hating on people simply because they were not Malfoys. I slipped the Diary in that girl's cauldron, Ginny Weasley, I thought nothing would come of it. It was just a Diary for heaven's sake. That was what I thought. I did it because it would be embarrassing for an object of Dark and possibly questionable powers to be found at my house. It would utterly humiliate Arthur Weasley if his daughter was found to be in possession of such a powerful item. I didn't realise it at the time, but I suppose I was jealous of him – he did not have a lot of money, he had what was quite frankly bordering on an unhealthy obsession with Muggles, but then my jealously came out as hatred. So I slipped it into cauldron.

I felt so guilty when I found out that innocent peoples lives were at risk, because of what I had done. I had to be cruel so as not to arouse suspicion, I had to pretend to be proud when my son first started using the word 'Mudblood', I wanted to scream at him, how could he be so obtuse? That world was disgusting, dare I say it but I was a little disgusted at him for using such a word.

Thankfully throughout the whole thing Dobby the house elf knew what was going on and was able to warn Harry Potter. I had to pretend I knew nothing of the sort and would order him to do silly tasks that would take him away from the house just so as he could warn. I think that Dobby eventually began to figure out that I knew what he was doing, I made him swear on pain of possible death never to tell. I wanted to free Dobby, but again keeping up appearances made me keep him. I would never admit it out loud but secretly I was a little relieved when Potter thought he had tricked me into freeing him. However I had to hide my relief and pretend to be furious that I had lost my servant.

-o-o-o-o-

It was relatively quiet four years ago, a so called mass murderer had escaped Azkaban. It was Sirius Black, I knew how he had escaped, I could remember Wormtail informing us years before that his so called 'friends' had become illegal Animagus in Hogwarts. He never told us why, saying that the information was not his to give. I also knew that he was innocent, Pettigrew had confided in me, his plans in a worst-case scenario. I truthfully wasn't that worried, but of course for appearances I had to pretend to be worried.

My son was attacked by a Hippogriff that year, I tried to have the Hippogriff punished. I didn't think that the Hippogriff deserved to be punished, my son should've been punished, he wasn't paying any attention. However, as always the need and want for appearances to be kept up, insisted that I push for the Hippogriff's immediate execution. I was overjoyed when I heard that the Hippogriff had escaped, but had to pretend to be furious. Especially when I heard that the executioner was Macnair was the proposed executioner, he would not have liked the idea that something could escape him so close to death.

I noticed that my son had been punched when he came home that year. I guessed it was Hermione Granger, he never even said that he had been punched but I knew. He tried to hide it but his glamour charms were never that great. I could even commend his inner Malfoyness for trying to hide the evidence. I was so happy that he had finally been taken down a peg, I could've sent Granger flowers, of course because of my reputation, these flowers would not have been taken in their congratulatory fashion.

The only thing I regret from that year is that Pettigrew was allowed to escape.

-o-o-o-o-

Three years ago, was the Quidditch World Cup. I can't remember much about the night of the game. Just getting insanely drunk and then I can recall seeing the Dark Mark in the sky – that freaked me out, he wasn't coming back was he? I had spent far too long clawing my way back into a respectable position in society, I didn't want to kiss his robes again.

I stupidly thought that logically I had nothing to worry about, however once the Dark Mark started to become stronger again on my forearm. It started to gain the definition it once had, I could see the black skull and snake becoming more obvious on my arm, it was no longer a scar. I am not ashamed to admit that it terrified me, having the Dark Lord back frightened me more than anything. However, when I was informed that Potter had become a Triwizard Champion, it made me nervous after all as far as I knew, there were two Death Eaters currently at Hogwarts. I always wish I had done things slightly differently.

When I felt the Dark Lords calling, initially I was a little puzzled. How could he possibly be back? Should I go back to his side? It made no sense but no matter, I would have to do it. When I arrived and the Potter boy was tied to a headstone, I wanted to scream, why was this happening? I had to shut down my mind so the Dark Lord could not see what I was thinking. I have no reservations in saying that I was now more terrified than anything when they duelled. When the wands brought up a version of the people who had previously been killed by the Dark Lord, a kind of _Priori __Incantatem _it got me thinking of how many people I had killed. How many families I had ripped apart. I don't want my son to take the Mark.

When the Dark Lord made his remark about being further along the road to immortality that any other, made me spend weeks in the library. He couldn't mean Horcruxes could he?

-o-o-o-o-

Two years ago was an odd experience all round, while I could no longer think about how wrong things were, I had to stop thinking about them altogether. It would no do for anyone to discover such thoughts in a moment of weakness. I forgot about these ideas, if even momentarily. I was operating under the Dark Lord's influence, he was hiding at one of our properties, I was in the Ministry when the Potter boy was taken for questioning after his underage magic. I overheard Dumbledore suggesting that they check the records for Dementers. It is a absolute outrage that I was able to check so easily, I don't even work for the bloody Ministry. Still, it had to have worked.

I knew that I had to be careful about how I acted when Bellatrix Lestrange escaped Azkaban, she was my sister-in-law and could easily spot when my service to the Dark Lord was wavering. I also knew then that the Dark Lord meant business, Bellatrix was excuse my language but a cold ice-bitch who would love to see other people suffering. She may have received some sympathy from Narcissa, but that sympathy has been erased over time. The fact that she tortured parents into insanity, especially new parents crossed the hypothetical line in Narcissa's book. I fear we started to almost feel sorry for her, she longed after a man who didn't love or even care for her at all. Yet, her husband Rudolphus who cared deeply for her was ignored, he started to have affairs to make up for what he saw as his wife's ignorance of him.

I was chosen to lead the charge at the Battle in the Department of Mysteries, how I would've loved to explore down there. I was partially nervous of what Bella would do, if she was allowed to 'mess with' Potter. I was nervous of retribution from the Dark Lord, so I had something to pin my fear on at least. Unfortunately I was taken to Azkaban afterwards. I almost laughed at Cornelius Fudge's face when he saw that the Dark Lord was back and that I was a loyal Death Eater.

-o-o-o-o-

Unfortunately I had time to think in Azkaban, I saw the worst points of my life and believed that they would never get any better. I began to accept that my life was not turning out the way I wanted it to. Here I was in my forties, in Wizard Prison for serving a man that was so intrinsically evil. I felt sick to my stomach.

Narcissa wrote the occasional letter, I learnt that my son had became a Death Eater. He had taken the Mark. I had so hoped that he wouldn't become like his coward of a father and take the Mark. It was my punishment, to watch my son be forced into a seemingly impossible task, I would never fail at my orders again. When I escaped I knew, there and then that it would get so much worse before it could better.

Dumbledore was killed, by Severus Snape, and partially by my son's help in getting the Death Eaters to Hogwarts. I was simultaneously proud of my son, he had accomplished the seemingly impossible, but he had also killed the old hero. I may not have agreed with all of Dumbledore's methods but I had a tiny bit of begrudging respect for the man. He had turned the school around, under Dippet the school had become untenable, he had allowed a student to murder. As a Deatheater I was relieved that the old hero was dead but I still had a little respect left for the old coot. I knew that the next year was going to be very difficult.

-o-o-o-o-

Last year was difficult, my mansion, my house had became Death Eater HQ. People were treating my home like a service stop on a motorway. It was uncomfortable to have the Dark Lord so close to my home, so close to my family. I didn't like seeing my son used a yet another puppet, he should not be made to kill. But thank goodness that I managed to hide my disgust.

I was mightily impressed when the Potter boy broke into the Ministry – only a complete lunatic would try to do that. However, from what I heard (which admittedly wasn't a lot) was enough to make me have hope maybe we would eventually be safe?

I was immediately dismayed when Potter found himself in Malfoy Manor, did he have no sense? He had said that name but then again maybe he forgot himself? I can't blame Draco for being reluctant to identify him, I had seen him before but wasn't in a position to say 'yes this is he'. I would probably have accidently let them escape or something had Bella not been there. I was overjoyed when they escaped, but was ready to flay Bellatrix to within an inch of her life for killing Dobby.

I was immeasurably impressed when they broke into Gringotts. However I am ashamed to say that I possibly showed my true colours when I herded everyone behind me in a bid to escape. I was frightened that I had shown my true colours.

-o-o-o-o-

The battle had finished, the Light side had won, no surprises there really, in the end they were right I suppose. Bellatrix died, not sure how Narcissa or I should deal with that – she was evil but she was polluting our family, I didn't like her ideas anymore. Maybe I did one day, but I developed a conscience. I don't regret that Voldemort has fallen – in fact we found out that he was a half blood, and he was spreading ideas about the racially impure and slaughtering the masses, who didn't live up to his expectations? No thanks I don't particularly like hypocrisy.

The only thing I regret is not being a good father to Draco, I never meant to hit him. I know that sounds all 'woe is me, forgive me' but Draco is ignoring the heir part but my only son, I, can I a Malfoy say it, I love him? I want to see a better father or at any rate a better grandfather. Contrary to popular belief I would never and have never cheated on Narcissa, sounds corny, but my heart belongs to her and I would be devastated to even be accused or thought of as not loyal to my wife.

I will try my hardest to get over my belief system, it will be hard but then it was starting to crumble anyway. I will make the Malfoy name, a name to be proud of again. I will work my socks off if I have to, I don't mind getting my hands dirty to do. I will stop dipping into my money if I have too.

**I really liked writing this one, I think my style is maybe a bit different? It came easy anyway! Anyway I know it's a one shot, but if you could review? What writing style you like better etc.?**

**Hit the button!**


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